The Ballad of Brianna and Jaelin

     Earlier this month Chicago was rocked by the release of yet another controversial video online. Was it another police shooting? More exposes of corruption on the 5th Floor of City Hall? No. It was something much more earth-shattering:

     For those of you who didn't feel like sitting through all 16 minutes of the video, let me tell you the tale of Brianna and Jaelin White. Two young (and married) whippersnappers, they struck out on their own with only their undying love for each other large piles of Daddy's money to try and flip houses in Chicago, that toddlin' town that it is. But once they got there, they found out that not all that glitters(or smells like piss in this case) is gold. They got into town that first night, crawled out of their Volkswagen Jetta, and stayed in a hotel for their first night in the city. The next day they bravely drove over to their new apartment in one of the roughest neighborhoods in the city: Edgewater(I'm telling you, you can't make this shit up). While Jaelin braved the rough streets to buy a fully-customized bedroom set at Ikea, Brianna was back at the place going all Snapchat-crazy. Jaelin finally makes it back and Brianna embraces him like a proud wife welcoming her man back from the war. Apparently finding(at Ikea) and Snapping(at the apartment) the perfect piece is exhausting, because our brave little couple is famished. So they decide to hop on the 'tram'(that's Red Line in Dumb Twit Language) to get some food at Chipotle. But while waiting at the Granville stop, they're beset by a sinful mortal bum who engages Jaelin in conversation. In a terribly rookie mistake, Jaelin then engages the bum in conversation. The couple quickly realizes that the situation is getting out of hand, and they bail on the Red Line plan in favor of Ubering it up to Chipotle. But then, like a bad penny, a boomerang, or the antagonist in a bad horror movie, CreepGuy emerges from the station behind them. The Whites then take refuge in a Subway.

     I would go on from there, but transcribing 16 minutes worth of entitled white teenager-speak is probably one of the Seven Deadly Sins. If you're really that curious, watch the video. Suffice it to say, by the end of it all they're back home-and homeless to boot. Tommy and Gina went through less turmoil than this. Oh the humanity! Anyway, the way things were going, you know they were gonna crucify these two. And have the citizens of Chicago delivered. Aside from being universally panned on every forum available, one enterprising Chicagoan has even set up a walking tour to pay tribute to these two and their brave yet brief stand against the tyranny of random creepers. As of now the event has more than 4,600 people interested on Facebook, with more bound to see it before the walk on September 6.